Zupełnie nieprzetłumaczalne

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading „Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology.”
The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to „Hysterias and Posteriors.” This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to „Schizoids and Hemorrhoids.” No go.
Next, they tried „Catatonics and High Colonics.” Thumbs down again. Then came „Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives.” Still not good. Another attempt resulted in „Minds and Behinds.” Unacceptable again. So they tried „Lost Souls and Ass Holes.” No way. „Analysis and Anal Cysts?” Nope.
„Nuts and Butts?” Uh uh.
„Freaks and Cheeks?” Still no go.
„Loons and Moons?” Forget it.
Almost at their wit’s end, the doctors finally came up with „Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends”.

Na środku oceanu spotykają się trzy rekiny.

Jeden z nich mówi:
– Psiakrew, zżarlem jednego Francuza. Był taki wyperfumowany, że do tej pory czkam wodą kolońską.
Drugi na to:
– To jeszcze nic. Ja zjadłem jakiegoś Rosjanina, chyba to był generał, bo do tej pory w brzuchu dzwoni mi jakieś żelastwo. Te jego medale tak brzęczą, że ryby płoszą…
A trzeci rekin mówi:
– To jest wszystko nic, koledzy! Ja zeżarłem tydzień temu jakiegoś polskiego posla, taki miał pusty łeb, że do tej pory nie mogę się zanurzyć…

Dopadła mnie wczoraj jesienna deprecha („mam znowu doła… brazylijski serial już nie cieszy jak kiedyś…„), napisałam nawet o tym nadzwyczaj ponurą notkę, ale przy próbie jej zapisania zostałam wylogowana, pewnie dlatego, że w trakcie wtorek stał się środą. I dobrze. W ramach usypiania swej osoby obejrzałam „Efekt motyla”, dość kiepski film, w którym podobało mi się tylko to, jak robi się coraz bardziej mroczny. Mniej więcej tak jak mój nastrój. Skończyłam tym samym stertę filmów od Misicy i zabrałam się za „Friends”, nikt mnie nie uprzedził, że tam co chwila jest śmiech z offu! Mnie to szkodzi na umysł. Ale przemogłam się i obejrzałam kilka odcinków wmawiając sobie, że ten śmiech w tle to zakłócenia, ewentualnie halucynacje. Mam narastające podejrzenie graniczące z pewnością, że ja się jednak nie nadaję do społeczeństwa, które wymyśliło sitcomy.

Czy możesz zostać obywatelem brytyjskim?

(znowu rhf i znowu się spłakałam)
As part of an effort to crack down on terrorist activity within Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair has instituted a new series of tests that any applicant for British citizenship must pass:

  • The ability to express the full range of human emotion by gentle throat clearing.
  • The ability to drink a full pint of warm flat beer (non-alcoholic beer is permitted, but in this case two pints must be consumed).
  • The ability to complement the cook after consuming a dinner of cold mashed potatoes, cold peas, and cold burnt meat.
  • The ability to instinctively know if it’s tea first or milk first.
  • The ability to praise the French while clearly indicating that since 1066 they’ve pretty much been a bunch of losers.
  • The ability to praise the Americans while clearly indicating that they got lucky that one time in the late 1700’s.
  • The ability to colour in red those bits of the globe that still should properly belong to Britain (extra credit if the United States is included).
  • And finally
  • The ability to utter the phrase „British Way of Life” without cracking even the hint of a smile.

Very Helpful Advice

(Dawno nie znalazłam nic, co by mi się tak podobało. Z rhf)
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don’t know.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
Heavy smokers: Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your ceiling.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‚erased’.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Kids’ Advice to Kids

Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, age 10
When your dad is mad and asks you, „Do I look stupid?” don’t answer. – Hannah, age 9
Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, age 14
Stay away from prunes. – Randy, age 9
Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, age 13
Don’t squat with your spurs on. – Noronha, age 13
Don’t pull Dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, age 10
When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Taylia, age 11
Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. – Traci, age 14
Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers. – Mitchell, age 12
A puppy always has bad breath – even after eating a Tic-Tac. – Andrew, age 9
Never hold a Dustbuster and a cat at the same time. – Kyoyo, age 9
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Armir, age 9
Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. – Kellie, age 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, age 15
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, age 9
Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, age 10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, age 13
Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, age 8

What do you call him at home..?

An old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, „Crisco, Crisssssssco!”
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, „Lady, the Crisco is in aisle D.”
The old lady replies, „Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my husband.”
The clerk is astonished. „Your husband’s name is Crisco?”
The old lady answers, „Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we’re out in public.”
„I see,” said the clerk. „What do you call him at home?”
„Lard ass.”

Is that because I’m blonde? [okrutne :> ]

Mommy, mommy, in class today we did ABC but I said „ABCDEF.” Is that because I am blonde?
Yes, dear that’s because you’re blonde.
Mommy, mommy, we counted one, two, three, but I counted one, two, three, four five, six. Is that because I’m blonde?
Yes, dear, it’s because you are blonde.
Mommy, mommy, everyone else in the class doesn’t even need a bra, but I wear a „C” cup. Is that because I’m blonde?
No, dear. It’s because you’re 22.